Pick up the soap you nazi fucker

Freud put it simply, ‘the shoe or slipper is a symbol of the female genitals’, and I think we all know what he’s talking about by that. Trainers = fannies. And it doesn’t take too much of a stretch of the imagination to see what he was chattin’ about. In his days, (before even Pro Keds were on the scene) a stiff brogue would be the closest a young gent could use to imagine what a fanny looked like – and no one wants to slide their pecker into a rigid brown cave. But bare with the guy, he was ahead of his time. Pretty soon Chuck Taylor’s were on the court, and it became clear to everyone. With their saggy labial opening and malleable ‘tongue’ (clit flap), every kid with half a brain saw them for what they were; fannies for your feet. Sorry Baden Powell, our grandfathers weren’t playing sport, or arsing about putting up tents because it took their mind off wanking… Outdoor pursuits were more like wanking all day long, with all your mates around you doing it too! In the park, on the rugby pitch, and especially in the tents you’ve just taught them to put up – nice one Baden.

All the talk of pubescent boys thwacking away in woods sounds pretty gay so far, and isn’t saying much for the ‘street cred’ of trainer geeks. And for even the most broad minded of people, having more than 3 pairs of shoes is a bit queer... So what does that mean for hypebeasts who have 50 boxes of, essentially, cunts stacked up in their bedrooms? What’s Sigmund trying to say about them, that they can’t wait to jimmy around in a new substitute cunt all day, showing them off (effectively tossing off) in front of their mates? Is he trying to say they’re in the wrong? Course not stupid! – . He goes on…

‘Probably no male human being is spared the fright of castration at the sight of a female genital’. I know that was my first thought. That’s why they call it an Axewound – get it? Sigmund went on; the result of this is that some either turn gay at the sight, or some turn it into a fetish. So there you go, liking fannies so much that you have 50 cardboard boxes of them in your bedroom, isn’t faggy at all. It’s super macho! Like a big A-board to wear and tell the world that you can’t stop thinking about cunts and that you definitely aren’t scared of someone chopping your knob off. It’s the blokes with just one pair of shoes you’ve got to worry about, they’re the real perverts. Walking around unable to think of anything but some maniac running out and castrating them or avoiding eye-contact with women lest they be reminded they’re not packing any heat in their pants. So it’s official, even Freud says it, the men with the most pairs of shoes are the straightest – wear them with pride boys!